its been a while

I am restless
i wanna kick some one

i wanna scream
shout
i am restless

i want to let go
and just jump and shout
gone shopping

it doesn't take off
the pressure like
when i was younger

i want to
i am not sure what
i am impatient

lord teach me patience
teach me humility
i want to be different

its not that i don't like me
but so much of me is locked
up tight

i wanna be free to be me
more

more
more
i am not sure what i want

but,
i want to really
live
to live life

to be happy
i am under
a certain pressure

i am going thru stuff
i don't understand
i need answers

i need God
he's always stepped in before
when i was in
uncharted waters

am i being too
independent
is there no room for him?

I love you Lord
tell me what i need to know

i feel pressure everyday
part of me understands
but i love to see
things clearly...

i am searching
for knowledge
i guess
i must grow

again

i wanted to be like them

i got so angry at a point
i wanted to play their game
it back fired
broke down physically

i knew i couldn't play their game
good friends have advised me to not g o that way

she thinks she's won

This silly chic thinks she can cosy up to me and become friends, me i no gree o. I mean you can't bad mouth me and do all the evil things you think possible and dedicate a whole devotion time to telling me that only me is going to suffer and that i am goign to hell and all of a sudden, you are using every opportunity to touch me (girl are you gay?). If you don't back off, i will holler rape or something alarming sha.

A drastic change like that is definitely not real and not cool at all. i don't hate you but please don't be hypocritical enough to pretend to be my friend. she think say i go die for dec, she shock when she see me, i mean she literally was in shock and i was hurt first two weeks of jan, till i kon dey chant 1 cor 13 all through last two weeks of dec and 1st 2 weeks of jan b4 i kon see road. when many people hate you at once and pretend, its difficult to deal with but with the word of God, anything is possible.

I love em but how many weekends or slumber parties did you think david had with saul after saul tried to kill him, you can't let your guard down and i am not planning to. The man wey we dey fight for, na wa o. i no wan fight but the gal no gree me o, its like her only chance to get married.

for where we dey pray, they dey dodge the word of God steadily make they fit do wetin they want. they go talk faith, talk doubt, talk faith again, talk doubt again, they tire me. me i just dey meditate and dey careful wetin i hear and wetin i how i dey hear. i dey like statue, i don believe God and i no dey change my mind again. God's anointing is so refreshing when you consider the world and its pressures.

well, i am getting visions again but will not be writing about them. i am only praying for the body of Christ to be strengthened and the ones working for the enemy to be washed away in the shaking or repent. My strength is in patience, kindness and understanding.
Testimony time will soon be here because i have heaven's backing and my r/ship with the h.g is tighter.

Holy spirit for vex for me if he be man, i am always asking 'are you speaking?' and 'please speak to me, have i offended you?'. I sound clingy abi, but with the h.g i don't care o, i will be as clingy as i choose cos he is my direction.

You could mistake this for hating...

"Give sorrow word, the grief that does not speak"
-Shakespeare

(wrote this a week ago but guess what? i still love, i will not be overcome by evil, instead i will overcome evil with good)

If you do, that's your problem. I have searched my heart and i know no biff!
What i biff?
Biff is hatred, grievance, side-talk, gossiping, hacking, slander. it is the ugly looks, sneering and harsh talk given to me by the religious people in my environment (they call themselves xtians, folks call them xtians too, i refuse to be their judge and call them non-xtians but their actions betray them and their actions judge them. i ask myself, would jesus do this?).

Afterall, what is faith? faith is the response of the human spirit to the word of God.
cos i study faith, i apply it to everything 'they asked me to be happy for her and rejoice for her'

I can be honest about what i would do. i will not hate on her. 'owe no man nothing but love'. (she's already hating on me and no longer speaking with me cos she's insecure). That, i can handle, its not the 1st, 2nd 0r even the 3rd time, whatever meen!

I will not stand in her way, neither will i be less than me for anyone's sake. she has better work hard enough so the xtian engineering can work. i will wait on God, take the insults and pray for them and watch the self-righteous heads nod in approval.
i don't need or want 'their' approval, i can live without it because they will not be at the gate of heaven waiting to let me in. thank God he is judge and walks after the counsel of His will.

When Max Lucado said, 'Religion is ugly', i did not quite get it. seems the light bulb is on though...

(watch out for part 2, i was writing a storm when i travelled so i'll be back)

Honestly writing!

was in love still am in love with AE. I had some complications and maybe he did not understand so he started dating another chic called evita, (i was jealous but resigned). i reasoned that i did not have any right to be dating him anyway so i fashied and tried to steer clear of both of them.

well i succeeded for 6-8 months or so, i did not flirt, did not send any messages at all, no body language, nothing.
well in sept or so, they broke up and suddenly he's around me. i am thinking he just wants to make his g.f jealous, maybe he's mad at her or something. then i heard she broke up with him and i am mad at him. everyone else is mad at me like maybe i did something to break them up.

I am not moved, i steer clear for the folks who want to eat panadol for evita's headache. whatever! Now i don't know whats up? is he still attracted to me? is he mad at me for dragging everything until its ridiculous? what excatly is his plan?
should i even bug myself about this stuff or should i enter my shell and protect myself from the fallout that may come?

I am at loggerheads with myself. i am at a cross road and i don't know what to do! while i am so not at peace with myself, he is having a field day with the gals and they are all responding. i am so tired of being jealous, i just want to be free. all the graffiti is all around me and i think i am looking stupid. if he doesn't want me, why can't he just stay away from my vicinity, i know i will not date anyone in a hurry, that is so unlike me!

i don't know if i can cope with him. he likes every gal in sight and that is mind control i think. let me describe myself a bit, i am introverted, shy, beautiful, hot, sometimes a diva. he digs me or at least used to dig me. (he digs other people too so thats not so special)

what am i really asking? am i making something out of nothing? is he just having those stupid urges that guys have when they are attracted to people other than the ones they are committed to or is it something you can make.

I love him and i am ready to be committed (i can imagine what it would take), i just am not quite sure it is possible. i so want it to be possible...

torn!
but not shaken
i still trust God

Hope maketh not ashamed!

...

nasty folks!

So my office binches (two of them) over the weekend up and bad mouthed me big time. i wasn't even aware of what had gone down. so there i am on Saturday cramping up and i was moaning and groaning and it was raining cats and dogs.

anyway you know how gals are always angry when you don't buy their aso ebi so this chic in my office was mad as hell at me but everyone else was expressing the emotion for her and suddenly it just pops in my mind to buy her a gift... (It was the Holy Ghost)and i jump into a gift store and buy her a break fast set only a mother would think of buying. I got the idea from my mom sha (thanks mom! i love you) My new motto for the month is loving mom and grandma they absoulutely drive me crazy but you know how God says we should honor our parents, i really want to because i love Jesus.

Anyway, when i bought the gift for my (i call her a school maam)HR person, out of pure love and because i am actually happy for her, she is married to a very lovely man. anyway sha, i hope they have fun with the gift pack...

anyway the binch huffed and puffed and deflated when she saw the gift i bought the other chic, i did it from the depths of me. se i said i love because i can, the love is entering me big time...

Glad Jesus loved me enough to do what He did at the cross...

I love...
because i can
Latisha

Its been a while!

i learn that life is not perfect, you need to demand what you want from life or it will just give you the stuff that's not good enough.

I believe God, he's said September, i wonder what He means but i choose not to be anxious. Three days ago, i was enjoying the fact that my body is slim yet so curvy, it fits anything i put on. Its a marvel to me. I have a beautiful body, i should know i spend everyday bathing and looking at my body, weird right but that is me.

I was thinking of how if i found love, it would take all the self-discipline (no, when i find the One) to follow the due process of meeting my leader and letting him check the person out.

Its something i know is useful though so i don't fall for the wrong person or get deceived in any way but in the human point of view, its like there is no sense to it as the system would not work for me. this is the argument i had before joining my church till i just let go and decided to serve knowing that worrying would do nothing for me.

I'll do it because it is a spiritual thing but i will still decide who i marry because its not my leader's body some guy would either be mauling or caressing depending on who it is and i want/need the liberty to choose who would have that privilege seeing as how i am hating contact in any form again!

but...

i would rather HG just showed me the guy so i would not be worrying. He must be like Jesus o! aside all the good looks, smart, intelligent and god-fearing, he must be sensitive to me and patient, very patient for i am trying. it's not every god-fearing guy i want touching me (as defined by the 21st century church) urgghh!, he must be a man after God's heart. His heart and who rules him and controls him matter above all, if not i will just enjoy my life and not pick anyone.

(Laugh)
i can hear people's minds telling me that my list is too exclusive. i never wanted to get married after seeing all the imperfections of marriage so when God (after i got saved) that it was a good idea, i think seeing that its a God-idea, can't i ask for what i want? its what i want or i'll stay unmarried. if i don't find it, i honestly won't settle down with other people's idea.

This