You could mistake this for hating...

"Give sorrow word, the grief that does not speak"
-Shakespeare

(wrote this a week ago but guess what? i still love, i will not be overcome by evil, instead i will overcome evil with good)

If you do, that's your problem. I have searched my heart and i know no biff!
What i biff?
Biff is hatred, grievance, side-talk, gossiping, hacking, slander. it is the ugly looks, sneering and harsh talk given to me by the religious people in my environment (they call themselves xtians, folks call them xtians too, i refuse to be their judge and call them non-xtians but their actions betray them and their actions judge them. i ask myself, would jesus do this?).

Afterall, what is faith? faith is the response of the human spirit to the word of God.
cos i study faith, i apply it to everything 'they asked me to be happy for her and rejoice for her'

I can be honest about what i would do. i will not hate on her. 'owe no man nothing but love'. (she's already hating on me and no longer speaking with me cos she's insecure). That, i can handle, its not the 1st, 2nd 0r even the 3rd time, whatever meen!

I will not stand in her way, neither will i be less than me for anyone's sake. she has better work hard enough so the xtian engineering can work. i will wait on God, take the insults and pray for them and watch the self-righteous heads nod in approval.
i don't need or want 'their' approval, i can live without it because they will not be at the gate of heaven waiting to let me in. thank God he is judge and walks after the counsel of His will.

When Max Lucado said, 'Religion is ugly', i did not quite get it. seems the light bulb is on though...

(watch out for part 2, i was writing a storm when i travelled so i'll be back)

Honestly writing!

was in love still am in love with AE. I had some complications and maybe he did not understand so he started dating another chic called evita, (i was jealous but resigned). i reasoned that i did not have any right to be dating him anyway so i fashied and tried to steer clear of both of them.

well i succeeded for 6-8 months or so, i did not flirt, did not send any messages at all, no body language, nothing.
well in sept or so, they broke up and suddenly he's around me. i am thinking he just wants to make his g.f jealous, maybe he's mad at her or something. then i heard she broke up with him and i am mad at him. everyone else is mad at me like maybe i did something to break them up.

I am not moved, i steer clear for the folks who want to eat panadol for evita's headache. whatever! Now i don't know whats up? is he still attracted to me? is he mad at me for dragging everything until its ridiculous? what excatly is his plan?
should i even bug myself about this stuff or should i enter my shell and protect myself from the fallout that may come?

I am at loggerheads with myself. i am at a cross road and i don't know what to do! while i am so not at peace with myself, he is having a field day with the gals and they are all responding. i am so tired of being jealous, i just want to be free. all the graffiti is all around me and i think i am looking stupid. if he doesn't want me, why can't he just stay away from my vicinity, i know i will not date anyone in a hurry, that is so unlike me!

i don't know if i can cope with him. he likes every gal in sight and that is mind control i think. let me describe myself a bit, i am introverted, shy, beautiful, hot, sometimes a diva. he digs me or at least used to dig me. (he digs other people too so thats not so special)

what am i really asking? am i making something out of nothing? is he just having those stupid urges that guys have when they are attracted to people other than the ones they are committed to or is it something you can make.

I love him and i am ready to be committed (i can imagine what it would take), i just am not quite sure it is possible. i so want it to be possible...

torn!
but not shaken
i still trust God

Hope maketh not ashamed!

...

nasty folks!

So my office binches (two of them) over the weekend up and bad mouthed me big time. i wasn't even aware of what had gone down. so there i am on Saturday cramping up and i was moaning and groaning and it was raining cats and dogs.

anyway you know how gals are always angry when you don't buy their aso ebi so this chic in my office was mad as hell at me but everyone else was expressing the emotion for her and suddenly it just pops in my mind to buy her a gift... (It was the Holy Ghost)and i jump into a gift store and buy her a break fast set only a mother would think of buying. I got the idea from my mom sha (thanks mom! i love you) My new motto for the month is loving mom and grandma they absoulutely drive me crazy but you know how God says we should honor our parents, i really want to because i love Jesus.

Anyway, when i bought the gift for my (i call her a school maam)HR person, out of pure love and because i am actually happy for her, she is married to a very lovely man. anyway sha, i hope they have fun with the gift pack...

anyway the binch huffed and puffed and deflated when she saw the gift i bought the other chic, i did it from the depths of me. se i said i love because i can, the love is entering me big time...

Glad Jesus loved me enough to do what He did at the cross...

I love...
because i can
Latisha

Its been a while!

i learn that life is not perfect, you need to demand what you want from life or it will just give you the stuff that's not good enough.

I believe God, he's said September, i wonder what He means but i choose not to be anxious. Three days ago, i was enjoying the fact that my body is slim yet so curvy, it fits anything i put on. Its a marvel to me. I have a beautiful body, i should know i spend everyday bathing and looking at my body, weird right but that is me.

I was thinking of how if i found love, it would take all the self-discipline (no, when i find the One) to follow the due process of meeting my leader and letting him check the person out.

Its something i know is useful though so i don't fall for the wrong person or get deceived in any way but in the human point of view, its like there is no sense to it as the system would not work for me. this is the argument i had before joining my church till i just let go and decided to serve knowing that worrying would do nothing for me.

I'll do it because it is a spiritual thing but i will still decide who i marry because its not my leader's body some guy would either be mauling or caressing depending on who it is and i want/need the liberty to choose who would have that privilege seeing as how i am hating contact in any form again!

but...

i would rather HG just showed me the guy so i would not be worrying. He must be like Jesus o! aside all the good looks, smart, intelligent and god-fearing, he must be sensitive to me and patient, very patient for i am trying. it's not every god-fearing guy i want touching me (as defined by the 21st century church) urgghh!, he must be a man after God's heart. His heart and who rules him and controls him matter above all, if not i will just enjoy my life and not pick anyone.

(Laugh)
i can hear people's minds telling me that my list is too exclusive. i never wanted to get married after seeing all the imperfections of marriage so when God (after i got saved) that it was a good idea, i think seeing that its a God-idea, can't i ask for what i want? its what i want or i'll stay unmarried. if i don't find it, i honestly won't settle down with other people's idea.

This

moi!

1. I'm hard outside, soft inside.

2. I think I'm an introvert. to some of my friends, I'm not.

3. The first book i read was ... (i can't remember) its been a while, i was a walking library. i have been hooked since then when i was little and i used to finish my English text book on the day it was given to us in sch. I also used to finish my exams while the teacher was still dictating no.6 to the rest of the class so i had this superior attitude like "i am so smart". it was boring because they were so behind me. (i went to college after 4 years of primary sch)

4. I've had many friendships but and each of them is special to me but i am not good at keeping in touch. My pal boom boom was closest to me. we were college pals. we rarely see these days but i've got my memories and for now, its enough.

5. i had my first boyfriend when i was 23 during NYSC but i started being asked out when i was seventeen, but would not allow myself to get hooked. a stupid thing i did, one guy who was asking me out once, brought his father to school to see me and i wouldn't go because i did not want to have to marry him. (till this day, i don't know if he was hurt, we never spoke freely again) (mixed feelings, he was a good friend but i did not want to rush into a r/ship and not be able to come out)

6. my brother, j.j and i used to have 'a battle of the remote' thing. whoever won had control until, the other somehow got it in his/ her possession.

7. i was a really shy teenager (u wan try). i still am in many ways than one but i rarely let it show.

8. i accepted that i was a good girl for the first time this year (i just can't let go and do the stuff other folks do and i don't know why). by the way, being a good girl doesn't mean you don't play, go out or have fun, or even that you aren't sharp (i am not sharp, i am smart). it just means that you make good choices.this isn't to say that i haven't made my share of bad choices or mistakes. i have.

9. I am a Christian all the way and i am proud of it. (being a Christian i mean) . i love Jesus. i believe in him and he is the center of my existence.

10. I absolutely hate that stupid big treat burger, it tastes awful to me, i love fried chicken and chips, dodo and beans.

11. I also cannot cook for myself alone (after cooking i will not eat, I'll nap), it has to be for someone else. I'm always wondering how people say, ' I'm hungry, eh. what will i cook?' it amazes me. I'm hungry, i eat whatever is available right now.

12. I knew when i was in year 3 (after my course adviser left a bad taste in my mouth by spoiling my yr 2 results, i had to change course and change back and in Nigeria, its almost impossible purposely)that i would probably never practice the stupid course i used to love. I accepted that there was something i loved far dearly than i loved the silly course and that i wouldn't settle for less. that decision brought me peace.

13. for a number of things, i am like a tornado (unstoppable)'. i try all possible options and i give up only when i am convinced that it is not going through. i don't give up easily.

14. i worry for approximately 48 hours. once i think on it, sleep over it, talk about it, its over o. no matter what i said about it the day before, once i've really thought about it and made a decision, its settled o. no matter if my decision is a total 180 degrees from my musings the day before.

15. I'm into family and friendships, that sort of thing. this thing i hold true, that the greatest of gifts is sometimes found in the simplicity of a good friend. i also believe that your family members can be your friends as well.

16. I'm a day person. i'd work myself to the bone between 8am and 12midnight. for at 12, except in times of distress or i'm just having fun watching movies, i must sleep.

17. I've been in different places at different times and i'm a bit taken aback that i just started seeing some things clearly now. i am Latisha and i totally love myself. I'm a mix of sorts. I'm chilled but i can also be very driven. i always have these ideas that i need to work out slowly. I'm comfortable with myself and the fact that i am here right now in this century, at the age that i am now, with the wealth of experiences and the greatest God that i have, i am so happy and looking forward to life generally and totally enthusiastic, i also know that i am a blessing to everyone around me.

18. i talk about doing stuff, get people involved but i have no idea how to work it out. Then, i go on my knees and say, God, i've got such a big mouth. how do i sort this out? and it works out in amazing ways.

19.i don't know how not to take responsibility for stuff i do. when i totally mess up, i'm like, "God i need you right now". then, i say i'm sorry and try to work it out.

20. i never storm off in anger. i say what's bothering me, what i have a problem with and i wait for the heavens to fall. i stay there till we trash things out. the only time i run is when i realize that the poo poo has hit the fan, lol

21. i forget a lot of stuff. i can give out stuff and forget about it and i can eat with a cutlery and a takeaway pack and throw the baby and the bath water away. i can forget where i keep things and i am forever asking questions about everything and if you don't know me, you will just keep geting mad at everything.

22. i think aloud. talking helps me think things through, i do it and i dn't care if people think this gal is crazy as long as i can fix whatever it is i am talking about.

23. I'm in a good place right now. i have said enough is enough to, ''when will i get married, have kids, etc''. right now, i don't care. i have accepted that i am single, not terminally ill and that i can be happy. so, i choose happiness.i am so letting things happen in their own time. the things in my control, are mine to work out but the things outside my control are God's to handle. in the meantime, I'll be living la vida loca (this is perfect, this chic is so me, i dobbed it from FB and adapted it for moi).

24. my basic makeup is white powder, gloss, eyeliner and eye shadow and mascara. because, these, i can do on the run (and i break out if i use marykay, i am so not a Marykay chic). I'm sorry to disappoint so many people. the thing is, the doing for others brings me joy. For myself, i'm like, ''ooh, i'll be late''.

25. i forget offenses easily. Once i say, it hurt when so and so happened. no worries. its over. I let things go easily.

My heart is so full of love.

I have learnt how to live above the circumstances of life.

I don't care if anyone is a good Christian or not as long as God can trust me to take a stand and not be moved by other people judging me.

We are having a wonderful Christian program and God is saying i should stand firm. I am growing in grace and in favor. I have God's righteousness and that is the force that causes me to carry out acts. Not my innate goodness because no one was good enough to make salvation without Christ.

I am learning more things but more than that i am open to teaching that is based on the word of God. I am growing in the gifts of God and learning how to ignore the weaknesses in men and women.

I am blessed and highly favored in God's eyes and the waves of favor have only just started, i am positioned to receive more from the waves of God favor because God is good. I am moved by the Spirit of God and i hear

Christian can lie...

I wanted to change it to Christians lie too but its really bad, i hate it when i see peoples humanity up close

Someone i respect told lies today and these are the things i scribbled while my spiritual leader was talking to me.

“it is disgusting when people you respect tell lies because then you lose respect for them. Lord please, help me because i need your help to fall in line with your word in spite of men’s weaknesses, their crazy ego. I keep seeing weaknesses left, right and centre and it is driving me crazy”.

I also asked...

“In bible times, both Abraham and Jesus time, did men after they have made fools of themselves tell lies to get out of sticky situations?”

The part of me that was angry just kept saying, “If he has guts, let him call my name”.

Let me be honest with myself, did i trip for him? Yes, after he had made a fool of himself numerous times. He tripped die. Just like what happened when i was in college, it just makes me lose respect for Christian men. Do i still love him? Yes, do i think we will end up together? No, he’s a coward, at least he is not a pastor so i can talk about him exactly the way i feel and not be walking against spiritual authority. For my spiritual leader, i was not hurt because he is used to hurting people and getting away with it so i just asked Holy Spirit to go after him so i can stay protected. As for N.j, if he went and lied to everyone that i am telling everyone that he was interested in him, God will judge him mightily; he does not have the money or the character to hold me (i have worked through the anger now but in my mind, i called him idiot coward, if they think they can get me to break down, they would just have to try harder than that, devils free workers! Lol, i really think so because they are always in the flesh and the amazing thing is that God still speaks through them, it is frustrating). People will not believe him truly, they will just pretend to and that is the hypocrisy about Christians i hate.

To get out of this rut, recognizing that i am working on a bigger project than just this flimsy life here, working in ministry is something i think God wants me to do, at least until i hear something different. God’s divine energy is at work in me and that is what i have to focus on and not the trivialities of human nature.

Human nature baffles me, my spiritual leader tried to get me to say that God is not moved by worship, i am not in agreement because i refuse to live on my righteousness i would rather depend on the righteousness that is a gift that ensures that i am able to have righteous living and not depend on my self-righteousness. In my mind, i dredged up all his faults and the reason why he left his former church then i realized i was being a judge, what i hated and so i stopped. I am satisfied that i am saved by grace and not by my power and my might and that i know the love of God that passes understanding.

Guess what? I am tired of Christians lying but i am to work out my salvation with fear and trembling and not compare myself with the life of others. I need to focus on righteousness consciousness, as i am writing, i am relieving tension and focusing on why God brought me here. I refuse to be distracted, this is just probably another way to distract me and put me in the flesh so i would be focusing on works of the flesh instead of in the goodness of God, i live above the circumstances of life. Greater is He that lives in me than he that lives in the world. Distractions are easier to recognize.