okay s**t happened...

okay so it was showdown at the office

i had some training
i saw the ugliness of humanity

They stood up
They talked
My body grew cold
as i heard word after word
meant to destabilize me
i talked to no one

and then Mr. j
is asking me stupid questions

I grow cold and numb
at his questions
Motive: To hurt, to break, to destroy!


(Holy Ghost i thank God you love m
You know i don't deserve the way you
love me)
How could he even think to hurt 
me like that?

After that direct attack
Everyone else was directing their talk at me
But they did not call my name and ask
me inane questions intended to hurt

I ask myself:

"Why the heck did you ever want to be a Christian when they don't think twice about hurting you?"

"Jesus on the Cross convinced me, Jesus had nothing to do with what they did. It is because they don't know who they are that they act this way and they want what they want"

i told myself even though i was still hurt, your motive is God, don't cry, hold on, if you break down, they will never stop acting this way; they will know they have your button, and they would be remote controlling you everyday.

I just focused and tried to learn something after that because i just felt everyone else was talking about me no matter what they said.
Was i hurt? Yeah
Was i broken? No
Was i convinced about what they wanted me to be convinced about? No, i just saw their insecurities clearly. I am so glad God worked thru my forgiveness issues cos i would not have been able to answer people i was not already praying for?
Praying for people helps you forget, you see them thru the eyes of Jesus.

they hurt me so bad like i said my pain factor has risen again.

My confidence is that "Greater is He who lives in me than he who lives in the world..."

He just felt like hurting me and they had already been annoying me because they were talking perverse talk all the time for about an hour and then they started talking about me in my front, referring to me and trying to hurt me, it was the grace of God i did not respond.

I also had expo, i heard 'fight' in my spirit three days ago and i wondered, 'are they fighting someone where my loved ones are or is someone planning a fight with me?'

I wondered and wondered and then i prayed, this is why i could not respond.

Holy Spirit, i love you, help me to be sensitive to you constantly!

I have finally forgiven...

I got hurt
not accidentally
but intentionally


the ones who hurt me
who planned the hurt
claimed to love Christ


According to them
it was the Jesus thing to do
(Though i don't see Jesus doing that)
it was just their selfishness speaking


I felt all kinds of pain
i felt hot,
i felt cold,
i felt my chest hurt
my heart broke
in all the ways it could.


i fell ill
guess what i did
before i fell ill
i knew i was going to,
cos i was filled
with negative emotions


i could not stop me
they did not care
i was not surprised


i had already started meditating
1 Cor 13 but it did me no good
cos i read the scriptures
but all i could feel was anger
hurt at the perceived wrong
None of us won anything worth anything
but the enemy was happy


they still did not care
and i wasn't surprised
cos Christianity sometimes is a name
but nt who you are


I struggled for my faith
what did i believe?
Couldn't the word work for me?


Had God abandoned me?
it all went on in my head
but i refused to voice my doubts


Today i have lost the resentful feelings,
the envious and jealous feeling
the anger is gone
the pain is less


They wanted me to pretend
to act
i fought it every step of the way
i chose rather to be hurt
than to pretend
cos then i would have lost me
and i know who i am
i would rather have sincere emotions
than pretend to please anyone


i don't trust them
i can still love them


only because Christ first loved me
i refused to be unfeeling
because i need my feelings alive


i can't afford to be numb

God has sent good friends into my life

and he continues to blow my mind


The scriptures worked,
you see, and now i see through their schemes
It only makes them small in my eyes


But i can forgive
Because he loved me
even when i did not deserve it.

its been a while

I am restless
i wanna kick some one

i wanna scream
shout
i am restless

i want to let go
and just jump and shout
gone shopping

it doesn't take off
the pressure like
when i was younger

i want to
i am not sure what
i am impatient

lord teach me patience
teach me humility
i want to be different

its not that i don't like me
but so much of me is locked
up tight

i wanna be free to be me
more

more
more
i am not sure what i want

but,
i want to really
live
to live life

to be happy
i am under
a certain pressure

i am going thru stuff
i don't understand
i need answers

i need God
he's always stepped in before
when i was in
uncharted waters

am i being too
independent
is there no room for him?

I love you Lord
tell me what i need to know

i feel pressure everyday
part of me understands
but i love to see
things clearly...

i am searching
for knowledge
i guess
i must grow

again

i wanted to be like them

i got so angry at a point
i wanted to play their game
it back fired
broke down physically

i knew i couldn't play their game
good friends have advised me to not g o that way

she thinks she's won

This silly chic thinks she can cosy up to me and become friends, me i no gree o. I mean you can't bad mouth me and do all the evil things you think possible and dedicate a whole devotion time to telling me that only me is going to suffer and that i am goign to hell and all of a sudden, you are using every opportunity to touch me (girl are you gay?). If you don't back off, i will holler rape or something alarming sha.

A drastic change like that is definitely not real and not cool at all. i don't hate you but please don't be hypocritical enough to pretend to be my friend. she think say i go die for dec, she shock when she see me, i mean she literally was in shock and i was hurt first two weeks of jan, till i kon dey chant 1 cor 13 all through last two weeks of dec and 1st 2 weeks of jan b4 i kon see road. when many people hate you at once and pretend, its difficult to deal with but with the word of God, anything is possible.

I love em but how many weekends or slumber parties did you think david had with saul after saul tried to kill him, you can't let your guard down and i am not planning to. The man wey we dey fight for, na wa o. i no wan fight but the gal no gree me o, its like her only chance to get married.

for where we dey pray, they dey dodge the word of God steadily make they fit do wetin they want. they go talk faith, talk doubt, talk faith again, talk doubt again, they tire me. me i just dey meditate and dey careful wetin i hear and wetin i how i dey hear. i dey like statue, i don believe God and i no dey change my mind again. God's anointing is so refreshing when you consider the world and its pressures.

well, i am getting visions again but will not be writing about them. i am only praying for the body of Christ to be strengthened and the ones working for the enemy to be washed away in the shaking or repent. My strength is in patience, kindness and understanding.
Testimony time will soon be here because i have heaven's backing and my r/ship with the h.g is tighter.

Holy spirit for vex for me if he be man, i am always asking 'are you speaking?' and 'please speak to me, have i offended you?'. I sound clingy abi, but with the h.g i don't care o, i will be as clingy as i choose cos he is my direction.

You could mistake this for hating...

"Give sorrow word, the grief that does not speak"
-Shakespeare

(wrote this a week ago but guess what? i still love, i will not be overcome by evil, instead i will overcome evil with good)

If you do, that's your problem. I have searched my heart and i know no biff!
What i biff?
Biff is hatred, grievance, side-talk, gossiping, hacking, slander. it is the ugly looks, sneering and harsh talk given to me by the religious people in my environment (they call themselves xtians, folks call them xtians too, i refuse to be their judge and call them non-xtians but their actions betray them and their actions judge them. i ask myself, would jesus do this?).

Afterall, what is faith? faith is the response of the human spirit to the word of God.
cos i study faith, i apply it to everything 'they asked me to be happy for her and rejoice for her'

I can be honest about what i would do. i will not hate on her. 'owe no man nothing but love'. (she's already hating on me and no longer speaking with me cos she's insecure). That, i can handle, its not the 1st, 2nd 0r even the 3rd time, whatever meen!

I will not stand in her way, neither will i be less than me for anyone's sake. she has better work hard enough so the xtian engineering can work. i will wait on God, take the insults and pray for them and watch the self-righteous heads nod in approval.
i don't need or want 'their' approval, i can live without it because they will not be at the gate of heaven waiting to let me in. thank God he is judge and walks after the counsel of His will.

When Max Lucado said, 'Religion is ugly', i did not quite get it. seems the light bulb is on though...

(watch out for part 2, i was writing a storm when i travelled so i'll be back)

Honestly writing!

was in love still am in love with AE. I had some complications and maybe he did not understand so he started dating another chic called evita, (i was jealous but resigned). i reasoned that i did not have any right to be dating him anyway so i fashied and tried to steer clear of both of them.

well i succeeded for 6-8 months or so, i did not flirt, did not send any messages at all, no body language, nothing.
well in sept or so, they broke up and suddenly he's around me. i am thinking he just wants to make his g.f jealous, maybe he's mad at her or something. then i heard she broke up with him and i am mad at him. everyone else is mad at me like maybe i did something to break them up.

I am not moved, i steer clear for the folks who want to eat panadol for evita's headache. whatever! Now i don't know whats up? is he still attracted to me? is he mad at me for dragging everything until its ridiculous? what excatly is his plan?
should i even bug myself about this stuff or should i enter my shell and protect myself from the fallout that may come?

I am at loggerheads with myself. i am at a cross road and i don't know what to do! while i am so not at peace with myself, he is having a field day with the gals and they are all responding. i am so tired of being jealous, i just want to be free. all the graffiti is all around me and i think i am looking stupid. if he doesn't want me, why can't he just stay away from my vicinity, i know i will not date anyone in a hurry, that is so unlike me!

i don't know if i can cope with him. he likes every gal in sight and that is mind control i think. let me describe myself a bit, i am introverted, shy, beautiful, hot, sometimes a diva. he digs me or at least used to dig me. (he digs other people too so thats not so special)

what am i really asking? am i making something out of nothing? is he just having those stupid urges that guys have when they are attracted to people other than the ones they are committed to or is it something you can make.

I love him and i am ready to be committed (i can imagine what it would take), i just am not quite sure it is possible. i so want it to be possible...

torn!
but not shaken
i still trust God

Hope maketh not ashamed!

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