Saturday, October 17, 2009

Honestly writing!

was in love still am in love with AE. I had some complications and maybe he did not understand so he started dating another chic called evita, (i was jealous but resigned). i reasoned that i did not have any right to be dating him anyway so i fashied and tried to steer clear of both of them.

well i succeeded for 6-8 months or so, i did not flirt, did not send any messages at all, no body language, nothing.
well in sept or so, they broke up and suddenly he's around me. i am thinking he just wants to make his g.f jealous, maybe he's mad at her or something. then i heard she broke up with him and i am mad at him. everyone else is mad at me like maybe i did something to break them up.

I am not moved, i steer clear for the folks who want to eat panadol for evita's headache. whatever! Now i don't know whats up? is he still attracted to me? is he mad at me for dragging everything until its ridiculous? what excatly is his plan?
should i even bug myself about this stuff or should i enter my shell and protect myself from the fallout that may come?

I am at loggerheads with myself. i am at a cross road and i don't know what to do! while i am so not at peace with myself, he is having a field day with the gals and they are all responding. i am so tired of being jealous, i just want to be free. all the graffiti is all around me and i think i am looking stupid. if he doesn't want me, why can't he just stay away from my vicinity, i know i will not date anyone in a hurry, that is so unlike me!

i don't know if i can cope with him. he likes every gal in sight and that is mind control i think. let me describe myself a bit, i am introverted, shy, beautiful, hot, sometimes a diva. he digs me or at least used to dig me. (he digs other people too so thats not so special)

what am i really asking? am i making something out of nothing? is he just having those stupid urges that guys have when they are attracted to people other than the ones they are committed to or is it something you can make.

I love him and i am ready to be committed (i can imagine what it would take), i just am not quite sure it is possible. i so want it to be possible...

but not shaken
i still trust God

Hope maketh not ashamed!