Wednesday, May 26, 2010

In my happy place...

I am not smiling or laughing
I am not joking or talking

I may not be very good at
people relations

Cos i have this one weakness
I never pretend

I don't have fake friends
that's expending too much energy
on what is not lasting!

I give my attention to God's word
cos i know it is truth...

I cannot be manipulated
cos i have the Holy Ghost

I have God's seal of approval
It's good enough for me...

Monday, May 24, 2010

If i were desperate...

Some stupid idiot is prob spreading gist that he asked me out (i suspect 'd' is behind it all) they are all stupid and crazy to assume that i would settle for anything.

If i can't get who i want then i can wait for who God is sending...

(On sat after a dept meet, i saw some guy with another gal in his car heading in my direction and so i got in and he dropped me at my BFF's house, i told her about him and all the questions he was asking and she told me that that was how he was that she lived in her house in cali with her brothers and her and that he was shady and 'ish' my mind wasn't even there, now tongues are wagging again. I can't even let the guy stay in my cell, i'll talk to l and tell him to take him off my hands, i don't need stress and i need my bff's support cos she won't come to the cell if he's there. she told me 'd' must know the kind of guy he was and that now she knew 'd' wasn't born again for endangering the rest of us. I told her to take it easy and she said she knew what she was talking about. another busy day in my life defending myself again, i am fed up of this ish... they are all pushing guys at me like i said i couldn't live without a man and i am 'burning' and ish, all of them are getting on ma nerves)

My BFF hates him and i have heard his gist (totally) the one i have not heard only makes me sure that they are totally stupid, my sis would say c'est stupid.

In case they don't know me, below describes me just fine. I don't agree with all church traditions. even if m bff did like him, they must have for gotten i got raped, i would rather stay alone than hook up with any stupid fool, i am pissed.

The One that Waits... (i am very patient and then again...)

I am dominant in relationships. I always want the last word. Caring. Smart. I could be loud sometimes. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Easy to please. A pushover. I think i know everything and usually do. I am respectful to others but you will quickly lose my respect if you do something untrustworthy towards me and never regain that respect. I forgive easily though it costs me.

(If you see me, you won't believe that the above describes me, i know who i am and what i want and i can't be manipulated by anyone. My college pastor trained me just fine and i am so glad i met him when i did, he is a shepherd, if you remember i said i was pastors' pet in ma other blog)

I am careful, cautious and organized. I can be critical and stubborn about what i believe. You could mistake me for being quiet but i am able to speak well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. I am diligent at work. Very confident. Sensitive. Excellent memory.

(It shows up in my work and when my colleagues lie which is often, i have been telling a lot of white lies recently...)

I am clever and knowledgeable. I Love to look for information in books or on the internet. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. conservative, loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions but i can be emotional about the things that matter. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy (extremely) especially in relationships. really logical in thinking, always thinks things through.

(I am blessed to have met p. mo, he taught us all in our fellowship how to recognize false prophets that if a guy came to you and said he heard from God that God said you were his wife, we were to respectfully tell him we were waiting to hear from God as he had nt yet spoken to us, that God must tell both parties or else it was manipulation)

My colleagues of last week who were so mean like they were beating a puppy to death are now telling lies that i am seeing a guy with no job, no money, he does not respect spiritual things, maybe they are talking about someone else who wasn't trained by pastor mo but they are not talking about me because i know who i am

I don't even do younger guys, maybe they don't understand principles. what has he got that would make me change my principles?
my colleagues are a big joke and i hope they know i think so poorly of them...
greedy binches and silly greedy niggas

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

okay s**t happened...

okay so it was showdown at the office

i had some training
i saw the ugliness of humanity

They stood up
They talked
My body grew cold
as i heard word after word
meant to destabilize me
i talked to no one

and then Mr. j
is asking me stupid questions

I grow cold and numb
at his questions
Motive: To hurt, to break, to destroy!

(Holy Ghost i thank God you love m
You know i don't deserve the way you
love me)
How could he even think to hurt 
me like that?

After that direct attack
Everyone else was directing their talk at me
But they did not call my name and ask
me inane questions intended to hurt

I ask myself:

"Why the heck did you ever want to be a Christian when they don't think twice about hurting you?"

"Jesus on the Cross convinced me, Jesus had nothing to do with what they did. It is because they don't know who they are that they act this way and they want what they want"

i told myself even though i was still hurt, your motive is God, don't cry, hold on, if you break down, they will never stop acting this way; they will know they have your button, and they would be remote controlling you everyday.

I just focused and tried to learn something after that because i just felt everyone else was talking about me no matter what they said.
Was i hurt? Yeah
Was i broken? No
Was i convinced about what they wanted me to be convinced about? No, i just saw their insecurities clearly. I am so glad God worked thru my forgiveness issues cos i would not have been able to answer people i was not already praying for?
Praying for people helps you forget, you see them thru the eyes of Jesus.

they hurt me so bad like i said my pain factor has risen again.

My confidence is that "Greater is He who lives in me than he who lives in the world..."

He just felt like hurting me and they had already been annoying me because they were talking perverse talk all the time for about an hour and then they started talking about me in my front, referring to me and trying to hurt me, it was the grace of God i did not respond.

I also had expo, i heard 'fight' in my spirit three days ago and i wondered, 'are they fighting someone where my loved ones are or is someone planning a fight with me?'

I wondered and wondered and then i prayed, this is why i could not respond.

Holy Spirit, i love you, help me to be sensitive to you constantly!

Friday, May 14, 2010

I have finally forgiven...

I got hurt
not accidentally
but intentionally

the ones who hurt me
who planned the hurt
claimed to love Christ

According to them
it was the Jesus thing to do
(Though i don't see Jesus doing that)
it was just their selfishness speaking

I felt all kinds of pain
i felt hot,
i felt cold,
i felt my chest hurt
my heart broke
in all the ways it could.

i fell ill
guess what i did
before i fell ill
i knew i was going to,
cos i was filled
with negative emotions

i could not stop me
they did not care
i was not surprised

i had already started meditating
1 Cor 13 but it did me no good
cos i read the scriptures
but all i could feel was anger
hurt at the perceived wrong
None of us won anything worth anything
but the enemy was happy

they still did not care
and i wasn't surprised
cos Christianity sometimes is a name
but nt who you are

I struggled for my faith
what did i believe?
Couldn't the word work for me?

Had God abandoned me?
it all went on in my head
but i refused to voice my doubts

Today i have lost the resentful feelings,
the envious and jealous feeling
the anger is gone
the pain is less

They wanted me to pretend
to act
i fought it every step of the way
i chose rather to be hurt
than to pretend
cos then i would have lost me
and i know who i am
i would rather have sincere emotions
than pretend to please anyone

i don't trust them
i can still love them

only because Christ first loved me
i refused to be unfeeling
because i need my feelings alive

i can't afford to be numb
God has sent good friends into my life
and he continues to blow my mind

The scriptures worked,
you see, and now i see through their schemes
It only makes them small in my eyes

But i can forgive
Because he loved me
even when i did not deserve it.