I have finally forgiven...

I got hurt
not accidentally
but intentionally


the ones who hurt me
who planned the hurt
claimed to love Christ


According to them
it was the Jesus thing to do
(Though i don't see Jesus doing that)
it was just their selfishness speaking


I felt all kinds of pain
i felt hot,
i felt cold,
i felt my chest hurt
my heart broke
in all the ways it could.


i fell ill
guess what i did
before i fell ill
i knew i was going to,
cos i was filled
with negative emotions


i could not stop me
they did not care
i was not surprised


i had already started meditating
1 Cor 13 but it did me no good
cos i read the scriptures
but all i could feel was anger
hurt at the perceived wrong
None of us won anything worth anything
but the enemy was happy


they still did not care
and i wasn't surprised
cos Christianity sometimes is a name
but nt who you are


I struggled for my faith
what did i believe?
Couldn't the word work for me?


Had God abandoned me?
it all went on in my head
but i refused to voice my doubts


Today i have lost the resentful feelings,
the envious and jealous feeling
the anger is gone
the pain is less


They wanted me to pretend
to act
i fought it every step of the way
i chose rather to be hurt
than to pretend
cos then i would have lost me
and i know who i am
i would rather have sincere emotions
than pretend to please anyone


i don't trust them
i can still love them


only because Christ first loved me
i refused to be unfeeling
because i need my feelings alive


i can't afford to be numb

God has sent good friends into my life

and he continues to blow my mind


The scriptures worked,
you see, and now i see through their schemes
It only makes them small in my eyes


But i can forgive
Because he loved me
even when i did not deserve it.